Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.
Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.
Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.
Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.
Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
